The 37 habits of a highly ineffective person

Aristotle: ‘We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.’

Here is what I repeatedly do:

  • I drink too much
  • I eat too much
  • I complain that I’m putting on weight and am hungover and not getting any work done
  • I vow to change my ways
  • I don’t change my ways
  • I worry, analyse and go over and over things in my head.
  • I procrastinate
  • I check Facebook
  • I check my emails
  • I check Facebook again
  • I squeeze my blackheads
  • I write to-do lists
  • I do nothing on my to-do lists
  • I re-write the to do lists, dividing them into subsections
  • I do nothing on the sub-sectioned to-do lists except for underline the headings and doodle little stars on the really important things
  • I spend four hours researching productivity and to-do list apps
  • I get overwhelmed by the choice and go back to writing things on the back of the envelope.
  • I lose the envelope
  • But it’s not my fault, I just need to buy new files and stationary – THEN I’LL BE ORGANISED.
  • I buy a new diary
  • I feel bad about spending twenty quid in Paperchase
  • I have a drink to make me feel less bad
  • I drink more. Eat more.
  • I complain about being broke
  • I complain about being single
  • I pretty much complain about anything
  • I watch Made in Chelsea
  • I go to bed and lie awake thinking of everything I’ve ever done wrong. Ever.
  • I set my alarm for 6am because I’M GOING TO BE PRODUCTIVE TOMORROW
  • I press the snooze button from till 8.30am…

Here is what I don’t do:

  • Make a plan and stick to it
  • Exercise regularly
  • Keep arrangements
  • Keep my word
  • Laundry
  • Wash my hair (Ok, well, obviously I do but usually two or three days PAST the point where it’s getting gross and greasy and itchy)

These are the 39 HABITS OF HIGHLY INEFFECTIVE PERSON. Does it have the makings of a best-seller?

I’d like to say that all of this is an exaggeration for comic effect but it’s just not.

For years fear used to drive me – fear of getting shouted at, fear of not doing a good job, fear of not being good enough, fear of being too fat etc…

This year that fear has largely gone. I’ve learnt to say F**K It to career success! F**K It to worrying about my figure! F**K it to worrying what people think etc. F**K It to getting things done.

If friends asked me if I was around for lunch, I’d kick off my work plans and join them. If there was a party on, I’d be the last woman standing. I’m living in the moment, I’d tell myself!

And it was wonderful. For a while.

But I think I might be reaching the point where saying F**K It to everything is no longer serving me. I am furious with myself for how little I’ve got done over the last few months and I’m feeling gross in my ever-growing, hungover body.  I look at the mirror and see the bloated face of a Pillsbury Doughboy. I’m not even going to tell you what my a*se looks like, except there now seems to be four of them.

I remember having this conversation with the lovely John Parkin when I was in Italy on the F**K It Retreat. I was asking him about the F**K It theory and saying how far could you push it.

Me: I say F**K It to worrying about work, and diet and money, I’d just lie on the sofa and eat biscuits forever.
John: OK
Me: But I can’t do that
John: Why not?
Me: Well, I’d just lie there and do nothing for the rest of my life. I’d never leave the house.
John: OK and what would that be like?
Me: Lovely!
John: OK
Me: But then I’d get bored and fed up and guilty
John: OK
Me: So then I’d have to go and do something
John: There you go – you’re off to the next thing…

I’ve reached that point now. Time to get my S**T together. Get off the metaphorical (and actual) sofa.

HABIT ONE – BE PROACTIVE TO COME TOMORROW.
AND I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO KEEP MY WORD ON THAT FOR ONCE.

xxx

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

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Right, OK. Here we go – it’s time to sit up straight and concentrate. We’re about to become HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE. Oh yes.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey (once described as the American Socrates) is one of those self-help classics (20 million copies sold in 38 languages) that most people know the name of but nobody has actually read. At least not past chapter one.

I’ve had this book for nearly ten years and have never got past the first few pages of the 300 page textbook – even though I’ve tried a couple of times. Every time I try my eyes just slip right off the page and into a deep meditation about what to eat for dinner. Or how spotty I am. Or whether I should sell some dresses on Ebay. It makes me the very opposite of Highly Effective.

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What to do when you’re unhappy? Blame everyone else, of course.

When I was in the midst of my financial meltdown – otherwise known as August – I did what you’d expect from a woman who’s spent six months trying to improve herself. I ignored the problem, watched hours of television and drank litres of wine. I engaged in what Brene calls ‘numbing’ behaviour.

I also did something else that Brene says is very common when we’re ashamed of ourselves: I BECAME A B*TCH.

I grabbed any opportunity I could to put other people down. I’d criticise people on the telly, moan about my family, get annoyed with friends and even people on the street: Can you believe the way she looked at me? What is her problem?! etc etc.

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Am I living proof that self-help is bad for you?

It probably hasn’t escaped your notice that this blog has been driving me nuts over the last couple of months. Not proper-need-medical-help nuts but ever so slightly losing the plot nuts.

Shock horror, it turns out that analysing your feelings and facing your every weakness is a recipe for crazy. There is now hardly a minute in the day when I don’t think – Why did I say that? Why did I do that? Am I self-sabotaging? Am I scared of being vulnerable?

I am over-thinking everything.

It’s making me unhinged. I now cry at almost anything – X Factor, Nationwide ads, a sideways look – and am fast becoming that person you’d back away from at parties. The one who gives a two hour answer to the ‘How are you question?'; an answer that involves therapy speak about my childhood and inappropriate details about my issues with men.

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A small good thing


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Last year mum made a vanilla and strawberry cake for my sister’s birthday.

I carried it from Surrey to my sister’s place in East London, via two trains and a bus.  Mum didn’t have a tupperware container big enough for it so it was on a plate and there was some strange net thing put over it, the kind of thing that you put over food when it’s outside on a summer’s day. Something to stop the flies.

This made travelling in rush hour pretty challenging – I kept thinking someone was going to bump into the cake and send it flying but they didn’t. Rush hour that evening was like no other rush hour I’ve ever experienced. People smiled at me, people moved out of my way, people even chatted; ‘That looks nice,’ they’d say, looking at the cake. Their face would soften. The hard, tired, determined, ‘I hate life’ look most us adopt on tubes would melt.

It was really weird. It was like everyone become human again.

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Back to the actual book… Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Your cheat sheet.

Hello,

Happy Thursday… Just thinking that I’ve been a bit messy on this vulnerability stuff, I only really skimmed what the book is about before delving into my own various back stories… so this post is a cheat’s guide to the book so that you actually know what Brene Brown is saying as opposed to just knowing the inner workings of my mind (and immune system).

It’s a wonderful wise non-self-helpy book that touches on every aspect of life so I really do recommend you read the real thing but even for my own clarity of thought, here you go:

WE LIVE IN AN AGE OF SCARCITY

Brene starts by arguing that we live in an age of scarcity. In our media dominated world nothing we do is ever enough – we’re never rich enough, successful enough, beautiful enough etc…  Even when we wake up, our first thought being ‘I didn’t get enough sleep,’ followed by the fear ‘I don’t have enough time…’ We go to bed thinking ‘I didn’t get enough done today…’

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A post about friends

This is a post about friends – the ones who matter and the ones who don’t – i.e. the people who are not really your friends at all.

Brene Brown says that in order to have the courage to Dare Greatly, be vulnerable and go after what we want in life, we need the support of a couple of very good friends who will encourage us, cheer us on and pick us up when we fall.

We then have to stop worrying about what everybody else thinks.

She writes:

“I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to love and respect that I’m totally uncool.’ 

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My story

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 08.04.13I’ve been thinking a lot about vulnerability and how nearly two years ago it changed me life.

In the last post I gave you a lot of back-story about being sick throughout my twenties. I hated putting up that post. I felt exposed, embarrassed and like everybody would be judging me. I have always felt that getting sick  is a huge weakness, something to be ashamed of.

I experienced what Brene Brown calls a ‘vulnerability hangover’ – which is where you cringe about what you’ve just shared. You want to run away and pretend it didn’t happen. It was like when you say something stupid in front of a guy and just the memory of it makes you feel hot and sick weeks later.

Anyway, no doubt I’m heading for another vulnerability hangover but I’m going to finish the back-story…

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Is my sore throat a sign that I’m angry? Or that I’m self-sabotaging? Or I am just sick?

Well, as some of you on Facebook might know, I’ve sick for the last ten days and counting. At first it was fine – an excuse to stay in bed and watch TV (after a solid three days watching Gossip Girl, Netflix is now asking me ‘How often do you watch teenage drama? Often/Very often…’) but I’m bored and fed up now.

It’s just a virus, according to the doctor, who says these things take as long as they take etc but I’ve been doing a right number on myself – beating myself up for having such a crap immune system and trying to find the psychological cause of all this.

You see, in self-help land you’re never just sick – there’s always some sort of emotional/psychological problem at the root. One friend suggested I might have an ULP – which apparently stands for an Upper Limit Problem. This is when things get too good (Brazilian book deal good) and we self-sabotage. Could be true.

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Book deal part two and a half: leaning into joy…

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Wow, thank you so much for all the lovely comments yesterday. It was a good day and with your encouragement I let myself be properly happy.

Every time a ‘Who do you think you are?, this is all going to go wrong, you shouldn’t have told people’ voice came into my head I told myself that this is an old pattern of thinking and that it’s not being big-headed to celebrate and share good news.

In our house the worst thing you could ever be is ‘full of yourself’ (a very Irish thing) but while modesty is charming to a point, if  we don’t celebrate the good stuff, what is the point of life? The other oft-repeated phrase in our house was ‘Pride goes before a fall….’ so I always associate rare moments of being proud with the dread that something bad is going to happen. But apparently that’s normal.

I wrote a bit about this yesterday but Brene says that one of the most terrifying emotions we have is joy.

She says: ‘How many of us have thought, “Work’s going well. Good relationship with my partner. Holy crap, something bad’s going to happen.” So what is that? It’s when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. It’s when joy becomes foreboding. We think, “I’m not gonna soften into this moment because I’m scared it’s going to be taken away. We dress rehearse tragedy to beat vulnerability to the punch.’

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