Something has dawned on me over the last few weeks – a realisation about what exactly I’m doing in this blog.
No doubt this penny should have dropped sooner and you guys have probably been aware of it for months but it’s only just occurred to me that:
I am conducting my therapy in public.
Hello! It’s me! I’m back. I’m sorry for the absence – although I’m sure you’ve all been very happily going about your summer and not giving it a second’s thought…anyway, it’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted, which is the longest I’ve been since starting this project.
So what’s been happening? Well, I haven’t been following any self-help for August – but I have been helping myself by continuing to face up to the finances and doing a lot of paid work.
So an update on the finances:
In the last post I was in the midst of epic self-loathing about my two GIANT overdrafts and hefty credit card bill.
Reading that post back I realise I wasn’t actually giving you the full scale of my panic at the time. I have an overdraft on my business account which I’m not going to go into just now (one debt at a time) – but my PERSONAL debts totalled more than £10,000 which is a pretty massive number in my book. In anyone’s book.
Hello all, how’s everyone? I’m very sorry for the silence… Since my television excitement (and it really was exciting, thank you to everyone for the good feedback), I’ve been busy doing paid work (thank you, editors) and wading through my finances.
Last week I discovered that Barclays has introduced new fees which mean I am now paying £3 a day for my giant overdraft. That’s £92 a month. The good news is that a) I actually noticed this – before I wouldn’t have been looking at my statements and that b) – it’s yet another wake up call.
Mum also pointed out, quite rightly, that I would spend that on coffee most day without even thinking about it. She’s right. So the trips to the coffee shop have stopped. So has eating out and drinking out. I had cut down but it’s not been enough. I am not going to buy another overpriced gastro-pub burger until I’m out of this hole. There, that’s my public promise.
Hello all, how’s everyone? This is just a quick one because I think that a lot of you saw it already but I WAS ON THE TELEVISION last Thursday, talking about the blog. It was a morning television show called This Morning and it went very well, or at least I thought it did.
Mum was less convinced. Her very first comments afterwards; “Was your mouth dry? Your mouth seemed very dry.’ I don’t know how you know if someone’s mouth is dry – or why she felt she had to lead with that observation – but she thought I looked nervous at first but I got the hang of it as it went on.
It’s 6am and I’m heading off on a job in a bit but wanted to say a quick thank you all so so so much for the lovely comments yesterday. It made me cry again but in a good way. I wish you could all know what it’s like to have a moan and then have dozens of people send you lovely messages. It’s pretty amazing and not what I was expecting and, to be honest, not what I deserve.
Thank you especially to the people who told me about their dark patches – especially around money. It really helped.
It’s nearly midnight on a Friday night and I’m at my mum’s watching junk on Netflix and hating myself. I’ve spent the last week going through three shoe boxes of receipts dating back 18 months. All my spending habits there in black and white, on faded, scrunched up slips of paper.
When I cried my way through February, my month of Money, A Love Story, I vowed to change my ways and I did a bit but not enough. I got stuck into the Secret and figured that ‘abundant thoughts’ would translate into an abundant bank balance. They didn’t. Then there was two months of rejection therapy which made me so miserable I took to drink. Which is expensive. Then lovely trips to Italy with F**K It.
So I’ve been having conversations with my guardian angels. No really, I have. We’ve become pen pals.
In her books Doreen Virtue suggests you close your eyes and ask what your two angels are called. I did that and the name Mary and John came into my head. I tried to picture Mary and John as angelic beings, with feathers and lights and love pouring out of them, but I couldn’t. With Mary, I just pictured my mum. Unsurprisingly given that Mary is her name. And with John, I pictured a builder in a vest with a gut and builder’s bum. A bit like Bob the Builder but with stubble. I don’t even want to think about what this guy is doing in my sub-conscious… but I don’t believe he’s an angel.