I’m done

morning gloryYesterday I got up at 6.30 am to go to a morning rave. For three hours I danced with hula hooping toddlers, glitter girls and a man who, I think, was dressed like a carrot. It was bloody brilliant.

These early morning parties, called Morning Glory, happen about once a month in cities around the world.

It’s all very hippy and happy.

They serve £3.50 cappuccinos rather than beers, and raw cacao shots instead of drugs.

I danced non stop from 7.30 – 10.15 am. Seriously, non-stop. I bounced, I whooped, I flung my hands up in the air…I sweated like a glorious partying pig.

I then went for breakfast with my friend, came home and fell fast asleep for an hour. It was bliss. I was – and am – very happy.

Maybe I didn’t need self-help, I just needed to dance more. And smile more. And sweat more.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Which brings me to this.

Right now I am scheduled to be writing about my my final book: YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay. It’s a self-help classic, published in the 1980s and has sold 35 million copies since. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s all about loving yourself.

Louise Hay says instead of beating ourselves up we must look in the mirror every day and say ‘I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF.’

She says we must fill our heads with positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts – in the form of affirmations, which we repeat hundreds of times a day (‘Money comes to me easily and effortlessly’, ‘I am beautiful inside and out’ etc etc)

It’s all very woo-woo – the kind of stuff that would have sent me running a mile a year and a bit ago – but now I can see there is something in it and I have been doing the mirror work and affirmations every day.

There’s only one problem – I just can’t bring myself to write about it. Really and truly I can’t.

I cannot bring myself to write one more word about myself. It now feels obscene. Enough already.

I AM DONE.

All I want to do now is dance and shop and see my friends and be semi-normal for a while. I want to have normal conversations about normal things. I don’t want to dissect my flaws, my finances, my fears… I want to get out there and live my life instead of endlessly analysing it.

I told Rebecca, the friend I live with, that I was going to call time and she said: “Thank God’. The poor woman has had to undergo therapy by proxy for the last year. We haven’t been able to have so much as cup of tea without me over-analysing my feelings for it in some way – and then expecting her to join in.

Another friend says that it’s like I’ve been in training for some kind of really extreme marathon. It’s true – I’ve been a woman obsessed. I’ve lived and breathed this blog for the last eighteen months. When I look back I’ve seen that I’ve been quite crazy in parts. Really, quite nuts.

Now I’m at the finish line, I’m sorry that Lovely Louise, the great aunt of self-help, has not got the proper write up she deserves. But I think she would approve. My lack of desire to write is a sign that, in many ways, I have healed my life.

Hay describes how many of her clients refuse to say ‘I love and approve of myself’ in front of the mirror, some won’t even look at themselves, some start crying. They say they can’t love themselves because they are fat, ugly, broke, single, etc etc.

I can relate. I once wrote an article about what I saw in the mirror and it wasn’t good. Wonky teeth, fat thighs etc etc. I used the mirror as an excuse to beat myself up every day, proof of all the reasons why I would never be loved, never be good enough.

That has changed. When I look in the mirror now I still see chunky thighs and wonky teeth – but I also see a lot of other things. I see a woman who has done crazy, brilliant things this year. Someone is kind and strong and brave and powerful. Someone who is alive and vibrant. Someone who, in good lights and on good hair days, can look quite beautiful. Someone whose smile is kind and genuine and open.

Actually, these days I see a force of nature.

And although I am not so changed that I don’t feel like a total idiot talking out loud to this person in the mirror, I realise that I do believe what I am saying: I DO LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF, no matter what my hair is doing. In fact, right now, I think I’m bloody brilliant. I am so proud of all that I’ve done. Really, so so proud.

For years I was always trying to get other people to like me, to approve of me, to love me. But even when they did it was never enough. I didn’t believe it because you can’t believe something you don’t feel yourself. Now I feel it. In fact, I LOVE MYSELF WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL.

Not bad for an Irish girl with Catholic guilt and a near pathological need to put herself down.

If that’s not a sign that this self-help lark has helped, I don’t know what is.

As for the other changes that all this craziness has led to, well, I don’t know. I need time to assimilate.

Next Wednesday I’m off to the 10 day silent meditation – which is freaking me out a bit. It seems to involve up to 12 hours a day sitting cross legged on the floor, starting at 4.30 am. The first two days are spent thinking about nothing else except your nostrils. Dear God.

If I can stick it I will be delighted but if I don’t, I’m not going to beat myself up. I’m done testing myself and pushing myself.

To quote my mother: ‘Are you not improved enough by now, Marianne?’

The thing is, I really think I am.

 

 

37 thoughts on “I’m done

  1. Rebecca

    Throughout your journey I have always thought you to be beautiful on the inside and out. You are enough. We are all enough. x

    Reply
  2. mark

    Well done, i will miss reading your blog I’ve been reading since the very start and hope you update the website every now and then with your antics. Great, read and im very impressed with your development and growth.

    Reply
  3. Sue Ingram

    Sorry / glad it is done! LOVE your writing, but delighted that you are having such a joyful time and that Louise’s affirmations are easy to complete! Do keep in touch – want to hear about your experiences on the slicent retreat !!! Many thanks for a fab blog!

    Reply
  4. Anne Thorn

    How fabulous, I always knew you would get to this place, so happy for you. I will miss your blog, so hope you won’t give up writing it. Can’t wait to hear how you get on with the 10 days in silence, but I suspect you will learn some more amazing things… sending love and happiness

    Reply
  5. Sharon Vogiatzi

    I’m so delighted to read this post. I’ve loved your writing. It’s made me laugh a lot. I can relate to most of what you’ve spoken about. And it’s really got me thinking. But I’m happy to hear that you finally believe that you’re wonderful.
    Interestingly, last night I was texting a couple of friends about something when one of them said: “I’m looking forward to reading your blog post about this.” My reply was: “I don’t feel like writing right now. I don’t want to analyse. I want to live and experience.” For now anyway. So cool we’re on the same page!
    Enjoy! You deserve it 🙂

    Reply
  6. Mary

    What a lovely post! You’ve done amazing work over the past year – just want you to know that your blog never failed to engage the mind. Can’t wait to read the book!

    Reply
  7. Louise

    Well done! I think you have done more self development in one year than most (if any) do in lifetime! Time to assimilate, reflect and see where clearing out some of your baggage takes you.

    Thank you for sharing – looking forward to signing up to your next blog project – whatever that will be!

    Hugs and Happiness

    Louise

    Reply
  8. Heather N

    I have been reading your blog from the beginning (and have rooted for you to get to this point!). I will miss your blog, but good for you! Yay!!!

    Reply
  9. Don Smith

    Difficult to truly express how awesome you are, and how wonderful the journey has been M.
    But for me, all those things you now see in the mirror, I saw in the first nanosecond you sat beside me in Urbino in June last year.
    You are indeed a force of nature.
    And, in particular, a force for good.

    Dxxx

    Reply
  10. stormy

    This is my first time reading your blog. As usual, my timing is spot-on. But for all I’ve missed of your journey, I am happy to hear where you’ve arrived. I relate to so much of what you say here. In the end, maybe we heal ourselves by doing the analysis and then stepping right back into the beautiful mess having learned a thing or two about ourselves. Happy dancing and shopping and being with your friends!

    Reply
  11. Sarah

    What a fantastic post Marianne! I will miss the blog, as it has been great company over the year, but it’s great to hear you are moving on from self-help. I’m sure it’s a lonely, but sometimes necessary place. Can’t wait to read the book!

    Sarah x

    Reply
  12. Tess

    Self-help books really do help. YAY! I will miss reading your blog/adventures but so looking forward to your book! Very well done!

    Reply
  13. Alical13

    Will miss you Marianne, have so enjoyed reading your blog and look forward to seeing your book in print – and anything else you write! Good luck next week and in whatever you do next – you deserve it x

    Reply
  14. Lucie

    You are not done, you have just begun…. Such a great post, I can sense your oxygen … Thank you for communicating so brilliantly xx

    Reply
  15. Helen

    I’ll miss the blog but what a lovely conclusion! Thank you for your honesty, for a wonderfully entertaining blog and for the inspiration for the rest of us to learn to love the rollercoaster of life. Good luck with all your future adventures!

    Reply
  16. Elaine

    I too will really miss your blog, but am so happy that you have arrived at such a great place, the meditation sounds interesting!! Hope you gain lots from it too.
    With love, hugs (and dare I say smiley faces too!!) Will keep an eye out just in case you pop back on to say hi …. xoxoxoxox

    Reply
  17. Liz Farsaci

    Well done, Marianne! I am so impressed with and proud of you. You have done some much thought-provoking, interesting, inspiring work over the past 18 months. I can’t wait to see what happens in the next phase of this project. xox

    Reply
  18. Marguerite

    Well done Marianne , you bared your soul for everyone to see and came out at the end smiling.

    Reply
  19. bob whittle

    Second thoughts about your blogs. I think you’ve been having us on about your inadequateness. I sussed you up straight away when I read your name ( M Power ) EMPOWER your name across your chest SUPERWOMAN as all the Superheros’ do. You’ve been a Hero to us all and not only will I miss your blogs but the responses of all your enthralled readers…You can’t leave us now. lease don’t go.

    Reply
  20. Claudia

    It’s like saying goodbye to a friend who’s moving permanently away – will miss reading the blog every week. Loved hearing about your journey and hope to be in a similar accepting place as you one day very soon. Congrats on the wonderful final gesture – very poetic

    Reply
  21. JohnC

    A tribute Blog called Lordhelpmeblog could be set up, I’d set it up but I’m such a shringking violet – ROFL

    JC

    Reply
  22. Arthur

    Great news to hear you’re moving from fixing yourself to living life. Have fun, and let us know when your book is out in English.

    Reply
  23. Peter S

    Good on you Marianne, that was a great decision. Inspiring. I hope to meet you again one day, out there in the real world.

    Reply
  24. Emma

    I will miss it in a way as I and all the followers have walked the journey with you and as you have examined the different facets yourself then by sharing your experiences you have allowed others to do the same and the experience has become exponential and larger than just you.
    In The last picture you look so fit and vibrant too!

    Reply
  25. Rosie Blythe

    Nooooo don’t stop the blog! I’ve only just discovered it and I love your writing (and bravery in doing this) so much! But it’s great they’ve you’re reached this point. Bravo and I hope you’ll keep posting even if it’s less navel-gazing and more telling us cool stuff to do – I’ve never heard of early morning raves and they sound amazing! xx

    Reply

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