I’m in an epically bad mood

God, I’m in a bad mood. A really really bad mood. Nothing’s right, everything’s wrong and I’m FURIOUS for no good reason. Right now, I’m venting all my anger at my poor keyboard. I’m positively attacking it with my fingers. And the funniest thing of all is that I’m angrily attacking my keyboard while writing a piece about how to be happy for a magazine. Ha bl**dy Ha!!

Here’s the list of my pathetic first world woes:

1) I got some virus on my computer which means that my search engines have gone weird and I keep getting pop up ads and then the internet keeps crashing. I’ve also lost some of the apps on my computer, including one called Things which keeps my master to-do list.  It’s the repository for every one of my ideas, thoughts and plans. Such as they are.

2) I spent the weekend doing my tax return and dipping back into the good old-fashioned self-loathing. Going through old bank statements I wonder if I was high. 200 quid taken out here, another 200 quid there. What the hell was I doing with it all?! Seriously. Self-help would tell me I should be focussing on the positive, the fact that I’ve come such a long way in changing my money behaviour but I don’t want to be self-helpy today. I just want to be angry. At myself. At everyone.

3) Stupid family stuff that I cannot write about here.  In self-help land you should love, forgive and always see the other person’s side. I really try to do that but this week I give up. I’m too tired and angry with it all.

Anyway, this weekend I could not face thinking about my funeral. I know, call me strange but a booze-free, tax-returning weekend was grim enough without adding death to the mix. I’ll get on to it today and tomorrow.

Have any of you had any thoughts on that one?! Please send me a few emails/comments to inspire me? 

ALSO – 30 DAY CHALLENGE: HOW’S EVERYONE GOING?

Well, on my end, Friday was good – I did the exercise, meditating, planning and no boozing but I did not check bank balances. Saturday I did nothing except avoid the tax return and binge-watch Homeland on Netflix. No meditating, exercising or anything. But also no booze, so that’s good.

Sunday, I exercised, meditated, checked balances IN GRUESOME BL**DY DETAIL and I stayed off booze.

And today I’ve meditated. Actually today I may just need to spend the day in meditation and avoiding any form of human contact. Either that or I should go punch a cushion or something.

Funny how quickly moods change; on Thursday night drinking my sparkling water with my wine drinking friend, I was so bl**dy smug it was disgusting. I was telling my friend how happy I was, how much I was getting done, how I might never drink again… HA HA HA HA. Pride goes before a fall as my mother always says.

ANYWAY, SORRY TO BE SUCH A DOWNER, ESPECIALLY ON A MONDAY. How is your 30 day challenge going?! Updates please! Confess the good, the bad, the indifferent..

I now feel very guilty about this self-indulgent rant. I have so much to be grateful for etc. but sod it, it’s the truth of how I’ve been feeling today. But I am grateful, World, I promise. (Look, self-help guilt is like Catholic guilt, except I’m now saying sorry  to the ‘World’ instead of God. )

OK, I WILL REMOVE MY MISERABLE SELF FROM YOUR SCREEN.

Goodbye and lots of grumpy love. I’LL BE CHEERIER TOMORROW, I PROMISE.

mxx

 

30 thoughts on “I’m in an epically bad mood

  1. Emily

    Dear Marianne,
    Please don’t be more upbeat tomorrow if you’re not feeling it. Good to read the honest truth, not some shiny self help version.
    I have not been completely stringent to my eating plan. Mashed potatoes on Friday (not sweet) and a Chinese takeaway yesterday with white rice. And some crispy bread sticks lying around. Which gave me terrible terrible indigestion and I was up all night with it. But I realised I ate them because I was so angry – family stuff – and I wanted to continue eating more today because I am still angry. But I didn’t. Trying to look at forgiveness instead even though the thought is making me seethe with rage. At least the connection between anger and eating food I’m addicted to has been highlighted through this.
    TV has been fine.
    Very entertaining post and congrats on tax returns and your honesty. Haven’t been able to face that yet.
    Emily

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      Thanks Emily, your message has made me feel better. A very good connection to have made with the food and anger – I think i do the same. I just wolfed down lunch with as much aggression as I’ve shown on my keyboard. I stuffed in loads and didn’t enjoy it, was almost doing it to spite myself. Ugh. I have the same reaction to forgiveness, know that in life it’s the only way but I’m still at the seething stage. Hurrah for limiting the tv- think I did all the telly watching for you this weekend. I binged on Homeland. Good luck with the tax, it’s always better when you just face but you know that… xx

      Reply
  2. Helen

    With all the will and positive intentions in the world, no one can be upbeat and cheery all the time. It’s just not normal. Grumpy and angry can be good for you. That’s my excuse anyway. And feeling guilty about it just makes things worse. Embrace that bad mood knowing full well it’ll pass tomorrow or the day after xx

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      I’m embracing, Helen. Woke up today less pent up than yesterday but still in a sh*tty mood but am going with it. Could actually be quite good fun… thanks for the support. xx

      Reply
  3. Elaine

    Feeling for you, it just creeps up on you when you’re least expecting!!!! Am sure we are set on some sort of default mode, so when we have been pleased/happy with ourselves and we’ve achived, the default kicks in big time!!!! so let the arrgghhhhh rip – wonder how long it takes to re-set the default!!!…. am not so much angry today – but in major procrastination mode!!!! Am out with girlfriends later in the week… doing an overnighter, seeing a show, which is a big deal in my lil ole life ….. should be excited… I am excited…. But am worrying on …. well no idea what the hell I’m worrying about…… if only there was chocolate in the house am sure I’d feel much better……
    I hope this doesn’t come out wrong… but if it was all going swimmingly I guess we wouldn’t relate ….. The main thing is that as much as there is the arrrgghhhhhh, there is movement forward too … stuff achieved that hadn’t been achieved before 🙂 …. last night I actually got out of bed (having just got in) and realised I hadn’t stretched any body parts – so did 5 mins !!!!!!! a definite first. You’ve been amazing with the non-drinking, money – tax return… that’s a whole load of achievement 🙂 ……. blimey hope this isn’t too long!!!!!!!! I will shut up and send a hug xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      You got out of bed to stretch – that’s just brilliant. Like you say, a first. You didn’t self-sabotage there, did you? And re the night out – do you feel guilty about the treat, or the expense, or that you don’t deserve to have fun (feel very am psychologist there)- just have a think about those things. Life is here to be enjoyed, I really believe that, because when we’re happy and joyful we radiate goodness and joy to the rest of the world, so don’t keep your light dim. Grab the good stuff and celebrate with your friends and it’ll make their day and your day and send off positive vibes to all! And yes, you’re right tax return and non-drinking is still pretty bloody good, am amazed by the non-drinking and the way I’m sticking to it. Thanks as every for all the cheerleading, I really do appreciate it more than you can realise. xx

      Reply
  4. Louize

    I am on DAY 29 of 30!!!!!!! Weirdly kind of sad tomorrow is the last day – but iI am going to try to continue as I am feeling great (maybe not all the Whole30 points but most)!!! And well proud of myself as I did think I couldnt do it for 30 days

    YEHA

    Reply
  5. Zoë

    Well you can’t be in a good mood all the time. Then we’d think you were on drugs or brainwashed by a cult. It’d be very unnatural to be feeling productive, clean-headed, focused, etc etc 7 days a week. Are you feeling that way more days than you used to? Seems like you are, so girl that’s a win!

    Reply
  6. David Palmer

    Instead of a funeral, try your 80th birthday party. Bit less morbid. And a loooong way off. Time to redress your woes and perhaps put them into perspective. Another alternative – who would you invite to a party, dead or alive, real or fictional. These people will reflect the values you like. It’s all designed to help you identify what does and will make you feel good, so you can do it more consistently. For 60 more years!

    And don’t feel bad about feeling bad. It happens! I know this stuff and you should see how I react to people driving in the rain with their foglights on. Or even in BROAD DAYLIGHT. AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.

    And pause…….

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      Thanks David, think I’ll stick to the funeral because that’s what they say in the book but I like the 80th birthday idea and I’ll think about the party invite question. Someone’s asked me that before and my mind goes blank… but you’re right, whoever you pick will be a reflection of who you admire.
      Thanks for the encouragement – how goes your running?

      Reply
  7. eva

    my 30 day challenge sucks. I only can commit to writing ten “fuck it to….” things a day. better than nothing and seems the fuck it things is REALLY the only self help thing that helps. today I’m also feeling BÄH. need to get the new book “fuck it is the answer” soon. I’m going to a MOKSHA Yoga class tonight. I haven’t tried this type of Yoga and I’m curious. What’s also good: I’ve taken up martial arts-classes again. If I’m too lazy doing the trampoline-thing at least I have to box! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      Eva you sound about as happy as I am – you’re right about F**K It being the phrase that seems to be right for every mood and situation – keep going with it. And F**K IT to the trampoline, get out your frustration in some boxing. Actually, I could probably look into that too. Keep going, I think you’re great. How did yoga go last night? x

      Reply
  8. Vickie

    Hi Marianne and everyone xx

    Ah Mondays can be sh*te can’t they!! I’m another who has got some family crappiness going on here and I’m sick of it all. But! Really do feel as though I’m in a calm ‘take care of me’ frame of mind which really does help.

    30 day challenge…not doing too bad! I’ve been going for a run every other day at the mo simply cos I feel like it so that’s good. Im genuinely enjoying it and love being outside so that’s good.
    I signed up for an Oprah Winfrey 21 day meditation course and I’m 1 week into it. I’m enjoying this too! Ive never meditated for a continuous stretch like this and its already becoming easier to ‘drop into’ meditation. The last couple of days Ive felt noticeably calmer which is fab ‘cos Im such an anxiety ridden div. This is great news re: family crappiness too. Deffo keeping this up!
    Am checking and filing mail.
    Haven’t done too much MA study the last few days but got time to do so tomorrow.
    Sending loads of love to everyone xxxxx

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      Vickie, you’re on fire!! You’re doing a load of life improvement, congrats. Think you get the gold prize today. Look out for a mention in the blog.

      Reply
      1. Vickie

        Cheers for the mention Marianne, that was appreciated! Went for a run this morning and I was absolutely crap haha! But I’m focussing on the fact that I went at all as opposed to my wheezing up the hill! xx

        Reply
        1. Marianne Power Post author

          The fact that you did it is definitely what counts, Vickie. You’re on a roll – keep going. You should be delighted with yourself.

          Reply
  9. Alice Graves

    My 30 day challenge? Um, yeah, kinda forgot all about it! Managed to avoid writing a single page of my book last week, have a pile of ironing taller than me (and I’m tall!) and even managed to visit the Tate this weekend and successfully avoided seeing a single piece of art!! There just may be an avoidance theme emerging! Probably would be angry but just can’t really be arsed. So congrats on mustering enough energy to work up a rage – impressed by you once again!

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      You forgot!! Alice, slap wrist! Ha! Get back on the saddle if you feel like it and if not F**K It! I love that you can be impressed by me being an angry, moody cow!

      Reply
  10. Arthur

    I take the view that rage is a sign of healing. Probably not in all cases, but it can be healthy. I also strongly believe that pretense, by which I mean pretending life is all butterflies and rainbows, will set you up to lose sooner or later. It is also extremely aggravating to be around people who pretend to be happy all the time, and it is actually damaging to them to constantly hide from their own selves. No thanks, not for me. If that makes me negative in some people’s eyes, so be it.

    As for my challenge, I made it on the veg and what went well, but skipped class over the weekend – really didn’t feel like it. This will happen a few more times, as there are some events this month that will make it difficult. I’m not extremely proud, but – F**ck It!

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      Well, it sounded like you’d loaded yourself up with a lot of classes, Arthur. I don’t think it’s the end of the world not to go to them all but keep putting in some form of study? Don’t drop it all together? Great re veg, I need to up my game on that. Thanks for the kind, wise words.

      Reply
  11. bob whittle

    Failed Failed and Failed. I may have to start again but no f..ck it-Why should I. I knew I would fail before I even started. All you have to do is convince yourself you will fail and you will. Works every trime. Say to yourself out loud ” I will fail, I will fail ” and you will, guaranteed.

    Reply
  12. lonestarsky

    Everyone needs a good rant sometimes! And it sounds like you needed it. Hope things are getting better – that computer thing would seriously piss me off too. And families? Urgh, they can be wonderful, but sometimes….not so much. It’s so hard when shit happens and you;re trying to be happy but the bottom line is, we all have bad days and admitting you feel crap is better than pretending life is wonderful when it aint. But there will be good days again 🙂

    As for me, I’m still writing every day. I’m still managing 1000 words (even if a lot of it is complete drivel) – I doubt I’ll manage the 50k required to complete NaNoWriMo but if I can get to 30K I’ll be more than happy. Any extra is a bonus 🙂

    Reply
    1. Marianne Power Post author

      Thanks Lonestarsky. So impressed with all your writing, really great work. Keep going keep going… 30,000 words will be a major achievement.

      Reply
  13. eva

    hi! the yoga class was stacked, cause the yoga studio has it’s birthday week offering a lot of free classes. but I didn’t mind and am happy that I went!

    Reply
  14. JohnC

    Good luck with the PC, if the OS is later than XP consider the free AntiVirus from M$, Security Essentials or Windows Defender, or there’s AVG AntiVirus 2015

    Reply

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