God, I’m in a bad mood. A really really bad mood. Nothing’s right, everything’s wrong and I’m FURIOUS for no good reason. Right now, I’m venting all my anger at my poor keyboard. I’m positively attacking it with my fingers. And the funniest thing of all is that I’m angrily attacking my keyboard while writing a piece about how to be happy for a magazine. Ha bl**dy Ha!!
Here’s the list of my pathetic first world woes:
1) I got some virus on my computer which means that my search engines have gone weird and I keep getting pop up ads and then the internet keeps crashing. I’ve also lost some of the apps on my computer, including one called Things which keeps my master to-do list. It’s the repository for every one of my ideas, thoughts and plans. Such as they are.
2) I spent the weekend doing my tax return and dipping back into the good old-fashioned self-loathing. Going through old bank statements I wonder if I was high. 200 quid taken out here, another 200 quid there. What the hell was I doing with it all?! Seriously. Self-help would tell me I should be focussing on the positive, the fact that I’ve come such a long way in changing my money behaviour but I don’t want to be self-helpy today. I just want to be angry. At myself. At everyone.
3) Stupid family stuff that I cannot write about here. In self-help land you should love, forgive and always see the other person’s side. I really try to do that but this week I give up. I’m too tired and angry with it all.
Anyway, this weekend I could not face thinking about my funeral. I know, call me strange but a booze-free, tax-returning weekend was grim enough without adding death to the mix. I’ll get on to it today and tomorrow.
Have any of you had any thoughts on that one?! Please send me a few emails/comments to inspire me?
ALSO – 30 DAY CHALLENGE: HOW’S EVERYONE GOING?
Well, on my end, Friday was good – I did the exercise, meditating, planning and no boozing but I did not check bank balances. Saturday I did nothing except avoid the tax return and binge-watch Homeland on Netflix. No meditating, exercising or anything. But also no booze, so that’s good.
Sunday, I exercised, meditated, checked balances IN GRUESOME BL**DY DETAIL and I stayed off booze.
And today I’ve meditated. Actually today I may just need to spend the day in meditation and avoiding any form of human contact. Either that or I should go punch a cushion or something.
Funny how quickly moods change; on Thursday night drinking my sparkling water with my wine drinking friend, I was so bl**dy smug it was disgusting. I was telling my friend how happy I was, how much I was getting done, how I might never drink again… HA HA HA HA. Pride goes before a fall as my mother always says.
ANYWAY, SORRY TO BE SUCH A DOWNER, ESPECIALLY ON A MONDAY. How is your 30 day challenge going?! Updates please! Confess the good, the bad, the indifferent..
I now feel very guilty about this self-indulgent rant. I have so much to be grateful for etc. but sod it, it’s the truth of how I’ve been feeling today. But I am grateful, World, I promise. (Look, self-help guilt is like Catholic guilt, except I’m now saying sorry to the ‘World’ instead of God. )
OK, I WILL REMOVE MY MISERABLE SELF FROM YOUR SCREEN.
Goodbye and lots of grumpy love. I’LL BE CHEERIER TOMORROW, I PROMISE.