Oh dear. I’d written a lovely final post for F*K It. It was wise and wonderful, profound and witty. It’s now gone. Not sure what I did but I obviously didn’t save the draft. Oh well, F**K It – here’s a very hastily – and reluctantly – written post. Thing is, I don’t want F**k it to end. I really don’t.
I want to live in a F**K it world forever, preferably in Italy, drinking wine in the sun and listening to John and Gaia uttering funny, wise words which serve as an antidote to all the crap we listen to every day of our lives.
The crap that tells us that if we’re not pushing harder, doing more, striving to be thinner, fitter, richer, more successful, then we’re not doing it right.
As one friend put it, reading this book is like letting out a sigh of relief.
A couple of months ago I said F**K It to something quite major and I didn’t tell you about it because I worried I’d made a big mistake. I was worried that it was a sure sign that self-help had made me crazy.
In April I was offered a book deal and I turned it down.
I was offered something that I’ve dreamt of my whole life and said ‘No, thanks.’
Well I’m back from my F**K It week and I don’t know what to say except it’s been emotional. Much more than I was expecting. I thought the week would involve standing in the sun shouting ‘F**K It’ with a bunch of strangers and then maybe doing some sort of embarrassing dancing. And maybe some tree-hugging.
As it turned out there was no dancing and only one tiny little bit of shouting, right on the last day. There wasn’t even much swearing, actually. In fact it was more deep and beautiful than boisterous and funny (the tone of the book) and that’s a good thing. Although I did hug a tree – but that was for a laugh. The tree did not laugh back, which is a relief.
A few people have been asking me the very reasonable question of whether my daring deeds are making me feel happier and more confident. The answer is, I don’t know. Right now, they’re making me feel tired.
But on the whole it’s been good.
The main benefit has been that I don’t have time to over-analyse little things as I normally do. I wake up every morning and think ‘God, what is it today?’ (It’s karaoke tonight) and just get on with it. Well, sort of. I panic a bit but it’s getting less with each day.
Last week parallel parking was freaking me out but compared to getting your kit off for strangers, it’s a breeze. I’ve noticed little changes too: I’ve been sending off important emails in seconds, instead of faffing for hours as I usually do.
I tried explaining the idea of positive thinking and affirmations to mum. She is horrified.
Me: “The idea is that we replace our usual negative thoughts with positive ones.’
Mum: ‘You mean you delude yourself?’
Me: ‘No, you just try to focus on the good rather than bad.’
Mum: ‘You’re not going to go all American, are you?’
Me: ‘What do you mean?’
Mum: ‘You know… happy. People don’t like that. It’s not real.’ I’ve been warned…
I’ve just walked around the block, talking to myself. I told myself that I’m strong and capable and that good things are coming my way. I assured myself that I handle everything with calm and ease and that money comes to me easily and effortlessly. I’ve repeated, about 80 times, ‘It’s all happening perfectly.’
I am now sitting at a desk, surrounded by these:
Yup. I’ve finally lost it. I’m fallen down the self-help rabbit hole – and we’re only in week two.